You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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