Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
