I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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