if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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