put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
