I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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