Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i have herpe
just one?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
