if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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