Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
