she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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