It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
