Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize