He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
