My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
