I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
