It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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