The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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