I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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