my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My ATM looks so different sober.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
