why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize