I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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