He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
