I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
