We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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