I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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