a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
