how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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