im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
