if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
