I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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