handjob tips. give me some.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
