Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
