i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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