you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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