my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
