Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
