he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
