I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
