I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
