it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
