Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize