Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
