I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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