fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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