Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
