see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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