My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Randomize
