Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
