we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
