My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
