I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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