I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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