First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you had me at cake vodka
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
