Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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