Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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