It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
