I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
