Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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