i already hear my dad disowning me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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